The Give-and-Take of Letting Go: My Postpartum Journey into Year Two

On August 15, I officially stopped breastfeeding, one day short of a month before my baby’s second birthday on September 14.

This Monday, the reality of that decision truly began to settle in as my baby went to his first day of school. I know that allowing my baby to grow, become independent and develop into an amazing individual is part of being a good mother. Still, knowing that doesn’t make the transition easy.

Motherhood is such a beautiful contradiction. You want your children to grow, learn and become independent, but a part of you still wants them to remain your baby forever.

Since I stopped breastfeeding, I have found myself missing the special connection my baby and I shared. Breastfeeding was more than a way to provide nourishment, it was our quiet time, our comfort and a bond that belonged only to us. Letting go of that chapter has brought a sadness I wasn’t fully prepared to feel.

At the same time, I also feel as though I can finally begin taking control of my body again. For so long, my nutritional decisions weren’t based solely on what I wanted physically. I had to ensure I was eating enough and receiving the proper nutrients to nourish my growing baby. Now, I can place my body in a healthy calorie deficit and make choices that support my personal fitness goals without worrying about whether those choices could affect my milk supply.

It feels like a constant give-and-take.

I feel happy, but I also feel sad. I feel like I am reconnecting with myself as a woman, yet sometimes I wonder whether that means I am losing a piece of myself as a mother. I know that isn’t true, but transitions have a way of making us question things we already know in our heart.

I am still a mother. I am still my baby’s comfort and safe place. Our connection has not disappeared; it is simply changing.

Then there is the ongoing struggle with postpartum body dysmorphia. You want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful, confident and comfortable in your body again. At the same time, you see the body that carried your baby, protected your baby and brought life into this world. You feel incredibly proud of everything your body accomplished, yet you can still feel disappointed because it doesn’t look the way you want it to look. Both feelings can exist at the same time.

You can honor your postpartum body while still wanting to change it. You can be grateful for what your body has done while working toward feeling more comfortable in it. Wanting to lose weight, rebuild strength or regain confidence does not make you ungrateful. It makes you human.

So many mothers experience this internal battle, but we don’t always talk about it. We celebrate the baby’s milestones, and rightfully so.... but mothers experience milestones, too. Weaning is a milestone. Reclaiming your body is a milestone. Learning who you are after pregnancy, breastfeeding and the earliest stage of motherhood is a milestone.

To the mothers who are officially one year postpartum and making their way toward year two: there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your journey may feel slower than you expected, but slow progress is still progress. You are not behind, and you have not lost yourself.

There is no deadline for healing, rebuilding your confidence or learning to love the woman you are becoming.

Your baby is growing, but so are you.

This next chapter may be bittersweet, but it is also filled with possibility. I can miss breastfeeding and still be ready to move forward. I can miss the baby stage and still celebrate my child’s independence. I can be proud of the body that created life while working toward the body in which I feel strongest and most confident.

I am not leaving motherhood behind. I am simply entering a new season of it, and little by little, I am finding myself again.